Seven years.
February 3rd, the long-awaited day that I walked out of Dayton Correctional and into freedom. I remember every detail and it's more beauty and heartbreak than I will ever have words for.
Here are a few thoughts on personal responsibility, gratitude, and dreams that I've been thinking about the past few days...
My first job upon release was as an activities assistant at a long-term care facility. I would spend my days calling out games of BINGO, reading the daily news aloud, painting fingernails, playing card games, reading poetry and scripture at bedsides, or just sitting and talking about families and grandkids.
Can I be really honest?
I didn't always love this job. I’m an introvert. I hate bingo and board games (I know I know...no fun). I'm not the life of the party by any stretch, so to lead activities and to be the orchestrator of “fun” is outside my comfort zone on all levels and is not my gifting.
I also worked hard and long to earn a nursing degree that I was no longer able to practice in, which meant I made about $20 less an hour and had to put my skill set and knowledge to the side and stay in my lane while in that healthcare environment. Not easy at all and there was more than one occasion that I would approach the nurse on shift and tell her she might want to take another look at someone when my nurse eyes spotted a concern.
A friend of ours said something one time that has always stuck with me. This friend has fought his way out of homelessness and addiction to acceptance into law school.
A paraphrased version of what he said: I am where I am today because of the choices I've made, for the good or bad.
Do you want to find real freedom in your life? It starts with accepting personal responsibility. The frustration I felt was no one else’s fault. We all make choices and then we have to live with the consequences of them, for better or worse.
So I chose gratitude.
I was thankful for a job and the staff I got to work with. I learned to love those elderly residents while calling out BINGO for them every Friday. I learned to love hearing the stories of those hands I painted nails for. I loved the black and white photos on their walls and their memories of youth. I also lost 3 of my grandparents during incarceration, so this was deeply healing to me in ways I didn't know at the time.
I also knew the road didn't end there for me. I had dreams for my future and I chased them and fought through hell to see them come to life.
Owning a coffee shop that helps empower and support people getting their life back is surreal. I couldn't love it more (most days). I love going back into the prisons and I don't feel like myself during this time that we are not able to.
But you know what? The dream doesn't end there for me either. I still have bigger dreams in my heart and more to fight and press toward.
You can spend your life blaming or you can take the power back and accept personal responsibility. Yes, this situation and circumstance may be the result of what I chose but it doesn't have to define me or my future.
You can choose gratitude daily. It's so hard sometimes. I know it is. Perhaps your today is preparing you for your tomorrow. You need it more than you'll ever know.
You can dream. I dare you to.